“I wanted to win the world championship,
… And instead I find myself here shopping” is a quote from a song of Alex Britti that struck me a lot when I listened it for the first time.
I played it again yesterday, by accident, and it inevitably led me to think of those dreams of mine I had, and to confront myself with how many of them I fulfilled and how many I had to dismiss during my journey.
I've always been a dreamer, but dreams change with age and maybe it's not always bad if they didn't come true, indeed.
As a boy (and up to a few years ago) I wanted to live a recklessness life, always to the edge, willing to die even by 35 years just to have a life as Jim Morrison or Jimi Hendrix, for example.
Luckily now I’m thankful of my almost 38 years and I calmed down for a while already.
I have always questioned myself too much about the meaning of life, (and maybe this is my problem) with a strong will to always rebel, to never accept the common road, already drawn and fixed for everyone.
No, I wanted (and I want) something more than school, work, first home, maybe the second, retirement and death. No, there must be something more than this!
I always thought about it when I found myself in front of endless landscapes and I thought of the whole world outside our lives, and the little time we have to go to explore it...
And so I went to look for my way through the thousand different roads I've been taking, the thousands of choices and experiences I've made, just to look for that answer that maybe is not even there.
At least, not yet …
However, I also think there are so many people who are happy to live their lives to the best, who is even afraid to leave that common path.
I know people who have never had such questions, and they have never stopped to “philosophise” in front of the immensity of the ocean or the mountains.
And sometimes I wonder if, in the end, they have not lived better than me, without so many problems and questions…
But I have learned to live with these problems as well as with all my unanswered questions, and I continue to look for the moment when everything will make sense, and everything will be perfectly in place.
And so I imagine myself old (and fuck you Jim Morrison!) satisfied with my existence, with all my experiences, my victories and defeats, my mistakes and the consequences I had to pay.
And maybe this will be my world championship victory…