I woke up late this morning: I forgot to set the alarm and I slept some hours more than usual. I woke up happy, anyway, and rested (probably I needed it) and I replanned my day: no training today, maybe I will catch up tomorrow; and maybe I will walk to work so I can still do some km.
So, shorting the way to don’t waste other time, I realised I was walking the same road as when I was going to work. And, as if I “had” to walk there, I realised I left there some of my thoughts and maybe it was time to come back to pick them up.
How has my life change in one year? How much?
Before I could give myself those answers (I nicely feel them inside me anyway), suddenly I had a flash-back and I came back in time.
I’m on that road, every day more painful and oppressive: I feel down and I lie to myself blaming the weather, the rain, the wind, the wine I drunk last night, as every day, to give a meaning to my day and to don’t ask myself those questions and give myself those answer I should. The truth is that I’m going to work to waste my time in that shity place, to do things I don’t like and in what I’m not interested at all, only for those Money I bring home at the end of the month; I’m going there to spend time with people I would never go round with if I had the possibility; I’m going there to get stress for someone else, I’m going there to get dissatisfaction and frustrations… I’m doing what anybody else is doing, what “everybody” tell you to do, and yet I’m not happy: I just feel I’m going to waste another day of my life…
For a moment, as I had really came back in time, I felt pain on my chest and the anger of felling trapped which mixed itself with the depression of not seeing any way out: I look for help, something which could change my feelings, but even thinking of my daughter and to see her in a few hours can change those darkest thoughts.
It’s only a moment, although intense and destabilising, then I shake off and leave there those cursed feelings of my past…
One year has gone and everything changed, and this morning is the proof. I’m not yet a free man (and maybe one is never free because the society will always try to keep one close and tied up), but today I realise I have something very important that I didn’t have back then: today I have the possibility to choose!
We were born with the free will, they told us: so shouldn’t be normal to make our own choices? So why does it feel exciting and new for me?
Because, in reality, we can’t really choose and, instead, we must stick to the obligations we took with the society and with someone else.
We must go to work and for that we must go to sleep and wake up at fixed time. We must do things we don’t want to do. We must spend time with people we would not spend a second if we could choose. We must get stress ourselves for someone else who is the person which, ion a way, decide for our life: he/she gives us the money we can spend and so he/she decide how much we can use, what we can eat, wear, drive, where to go for holidays and so on. We must go to waste our time in some place where we don’t want to be. We must forget what makes us happy and what we would really like to do, postponing everything to the evening, the weekend, the holidays and the retirement when, maybe, we will have that possibility.
Why? Why we should give up living today and living happy, when tomorrow is not sure and it’s not sure we will have that time to finally enjoy our life?
I have today the possibility to choose, and it’s an amazing feeling.
I can choose to sleep longer or wake up early. I can choose to train or go early to work. I can choose what to work on, what to prioritise or follow the excitement of the moment. I can choose to go out and take pictures, to write this article, to contact agencies and clients, to work on my next summer project and adventure. I can choose to stay home with my daughter and work tonight, tomorrow, this weekend or whenever I want. I can choose for myself and my life. As it should be.
I smile while I leave there what once was part of me. I hurry up because I want to go to work, for me and me only: I have so much will to do, so many things to do, I have the feeling of being on the right path. I choose for myself and so I’m happy, alive and satisfied as I didn’t feel from such a long time. And it’s such a nice feeling….